| Won't you pleaaaase pleasssssse help me |
[02 Jun 2006|11:55pm] |
*sigh* I'm switching livejournal accounts perhaps, but not until I can figure out how to make a cool layout. I have some I found, but like I'm retarded and can't seem to get the pictures to ever fucking show up in every single layout. I've been uploading them onto my own server and everythang.
Can anyone help me? PLEASE?!
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[01 Jun 2006|09:19pm] |
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music |
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"Every Ghetto, Every City" Lauryn Hill |
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I think one of my major fantasies is to have great sex during a huge thunder storm. Could you imagine orgasming with lightning and huge crashes of thunder all around?? What a trip!
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[01 Jun 2006|08:03pm] |
I lost car privelages till Monday 'cause I woudln't carry my mom's shopping bag into the house for her.
Yep. Mega bitch. That's me.
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| I'd give you everything I've got for a little piece of mind |
[01 Jun 2006|03:02pm] |
If I sneeze one more time, I might freak out and kill someone/thing.
A of today, it has been a month and I'm really quite good. It FEELS longer, but in my mind the numbers seem smaller. The whole thing is really kind of surreal. But I'm pretty much totally adapted. It's amazing how fast we can learn to progress and move on after being so in love and attatched to someone else. Like, you can't even possibly fathom living without them for a day, and then a month later you're generally fine, happy, and adjusted with life. Love is such a bizarre and confused ordeal. Like even the fact that you can not only get over a great love like that, BUT that you can find someone ELSE and feel the same if not MORE about them just blows my mind. It's why I don't believe in "the one" anymore, because no matter what, you can move on and find someone new.
Life.
*achoo* GODDAMIT! Algergies are the pits. I wore a white lace dress today and I felt super pretty. Until my eyes FREAKED OUT in math class, then I didn't feel so gorgeous anymore hahahaha. And I even have my period! (a day early....why couldn't it come early when we were dating instead of weeks late, I DONT KNOW). Hooray for feelin' good n' attractive. My hair even cooperated today, despite the humidity giving my bangs an extra wavey touch.
I love Jane magazine. There's something so delciously raunchy about it that Cosmo just doesn't have. Trashy reading ♥
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| you and me and five bucks. |
[30 May 2006|07:49pm] |
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music |
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"Baby for Pree" NMH |
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Today, I helped Brittany buy makeup for prom. And I felt that all my girly knowledge came in mega handy for once, and I felt very useful. I like that feeling.
Today, my pants nearly fell off multiple times.
Today, I did a really good cartwheel.
Today, I felt new.
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| IT'S A HOLIDAY FOR A HANGIN' YEAH |
[29 May 2006|10:20pm] |
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music |
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"It's a Hit" Rilo Kiley |
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Yeah, Jackson Pollock bitchez.
I hemmed my own pants! It's so easy, but still I'm excited! I have begun my clothing career? hahaha
I love it. I need to get my bangs cut again, they're gettin' kinda longg.
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[28 May 2006|07:22pm] |
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music |
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the sounds of air conditioning |
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I've been
SO
much better
but
every
sevral
days
lately
I just
get
really
really
really
really
d
o
w
n
and
depressed about
my
state of
life.
About
many things,
including
being single
being lonley
being annoying
closed doors
closed friendships
my brother whom I refused to cover for today
(go me)
and just
general
uncertainty.
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| I'll hear it in my head real low |
[27 May 2006|12:24am] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
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music |
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"Turn Into" YYY's |
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Can't say why I kept this from you
My those quiet eyes become you
Leave it where it can't remind us
Turn this all around behind us
Oh! Well I know!
I'll fall right in to keep you out
I'd like to tell you all about it
THUNDER and LIGHTNING BITCHEZ!
I ♥ it.
Today was much much cooler than I anticipated it would turn out to be. Had strange dreams and could not sleep past 9, so I was up and alive pretty early. Watched a lot of Fairly Odd Parents. God that show is hilarious, even when you've seen the epsidoe 3498734987 times already. I also watched All Growed Up, which is my guilty pleasure tv show. Sometimes it's dumb, but sometimes it's just SO DAMN ENTERTAINING! I don't know why, but I LOVE it.....
*cough* so, anyway, after that and a fight with my mom about cleaning the shower (which is a sucky job, let me tell you, when the shower is a 6 foot square walk-in), I drove down Port to meet up with that lovely girl Viveka, who called me in hopes of us hanging out earlier. After I had the absolute pleausre of parking in a farily crowded Port Jefferson, we met up in Starbucks and were subjected to a 9th grader at Gelinas' final project in Biology on taste? So we did a taste test about sour, sweet and salty and the like, but the FIRST thing those twits give us is "chocolate", and little did we know but it was fuckin' BAKING CHOCOLATE!!!! I dont' know how many of have ever been slipped baking chocolate (or eaten it at your own retarded free will?), but holy shit it was VILE. I nearly gagged, it was like what I'd imagine elmer's glue and dirt mixed together would taste like. But other than that, it was okay.
Then we proceeded to Tiger Lily, which had a long line so we went to Toast and ate lunch and discussed serious issues of our 9th grade year?? It was quite strange to trip down back to Gelinas in the conclusion of our Junior year, but it was very enlightening and slightly disturbing. Some really fucked up shit happened in 8th and 9th grade that I'd totally forgotten about/didn't know about. We were all crazy, honestly. It's so strange, but I barely even remember 8th grade? It's like I fell asleep and woke up that summer. I remember kissing Chris K. when Kim dared me to if she cut her hair, I remember Bonnie telling me she hadn't read Gone with the Wind and had to make a poster and summary for it in 5 min (which she pulled off that lucky hooker), I remember Chad at lunch and I remember the recital and meeting Ben. I remember CAsey and I remember Brittany spilling my iced tea all over me at lunch and wanting to kill her for being dumb. Everything in between is blurred? That makes me pretty worried?
But yea, so after that we hopped in my enormous car and drove over to Northshore Thrift, singing along to Neutral Milk Hotel, and we tried on really horrid dresses (/one of them I loved but Vi had enough common sense to not let me buy it lol) and Vi found and purchased a really cute striped sweater. Then we went bowling across the street???? Ahahahahahahah it was so grand, they even put on the black lights!!! I have a few pictures, and I"ll put them up sometime soon when I find the camera's cord....I bowled 59's both times, the first time Vi got like 394873948 strikes and got around 90, and the second time she got 49 lol. It was so hilarious, the little 8 year old next to us was not only toasting us, she was like teasing us?? BITCH hahahaha. We wore bowling shoes without socks. Grody.
Then I drove her home and went home to laze around for a few hours and then drove to EOC. It was really really funny (Bonnie I love you!), and George had wonderful facial expressions. And I got to hear Alessandra sing for the first time, and she was lovely. The whole band really was quite amazing. And they sang "That Thing" by Lauryn Hill and when I knew all the words Vi thought I was strange lol. A good time, and crazy fog when we got out.
Driving home I put on my mix cd I made a long time ago and "The first Day of my Life" came on and as I'm driving I just started like sobbing. I'm not even sure why, but there I was, sobbing and singing to the point where i had to put my forehead on the steering wheel at points while im driving in the rain and fog (safety). I haven't cried in a week or so, and iono I just lost my grip on something I suppose. I felt unbearably lonely and lost, driving towards nothing. I didn't really miss Phil or anything, I just could feel the piece of me missing. "I find a fatal flaw in the logic of love" Like, really FEEL it, gaping and apparent. I hope I can find someone new to capture my attention soon. Someone who's attention I can capture too. I miss that sensation very much.
But I cried the whole way home, got in, and went to see my mom to let her know I made it home alive, and she says "WHERE YOU SMOKING POT"
I said, "Yes mom. Lots of it. Truckloads". Then I went to bed.
So now I have work at 10 tomorrow morning, so I suppose it'd be wise to go and sleep. I'm glad George and Danielle passed their roadtests. I was hoping for them ♥
Turn into
The only thing you ever know
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[24 May 2006|06:01pm] |
xthe sunset tree: idk
xthe sunset tree: i dont understand
xthe sunset tree: any of life
xthe sunset tree: really
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[24 May 2006|03:01pm] |
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I'm not a hippie or anything, but sometimes I just feel really bad about picking flowers.
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[23 May 2006|11:07pm] |
my childhood has ended
all contorted feelings mended
and in this mind
I hope to find
no loving left untended.
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| You know you're on god's good side when you look for dinner at 11 and find quesedillas in the fridge |
[20 May 2006|11:41pm] |
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music |
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"Hold your Hand" The Beatles |
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10 F A V O R I T E S
Flower: white daisies
Movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Color: black and white
Sport: I think fencing is neat. And badmitton
Store: LF
Music: Indie/alternative
Book: Drop City was awesome
Car: a teal jetta
Person: don't have a favourite at the moment
10 F A C T S
Hometown: Queens?
Height: 5' 3"
Hair color: brownish blondish
Hair Length: lonng
Eye color: yellow
Mood: sneezing
Sexuality: straight
skintone: honeysuckle complexion
Siblings: trois
10 L O V E L I F E
Why did your last relationship fail? that's complicated...I'd say things I didn't mean and he requied an entourage
Have you ever been heartbroken?: oh yes
Have you ever broke someones heart? yes
Have you ever fallen for your best friend? no no
Are you afraid of commitment?: not really
Do you love love?: I'm not sure, I'm on the bad side of love right now.
Would you marry just for money?: I couldn't do it
10 T H I S O R T H A T S
Love or lust?: I enjoy when they go hand in hand
Hard liquor or beer: I dont' really enjoy alcoholic beverages
Night or day?: night
T.V. or internet?: internet
Pepsi or coke?: pepsi
Wild night out or romantic night in?: both are excellent
Colored or Black&White?: I love both for their own uses
Phone or in person?: in person
White or dark chocolate?: DARK ♥
10 H A V E Y O U E V E R S
Have you ever been caught sneaking out?: no
Have you ever skinny dipped?: no....I have to do that 'cause every survey thing asks that lol
Have you ever done somethin you regret?: duh
Have you ever bungee jumped?: nah it freaks me out
Have you ever been on a house boat?: no lol
Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker? hahahahahah GOD did ANYONE?
Have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt?: yes
Have you ever stayed up all night til the sun came up?: yes, once
Have you ever been caught by your parents with a hicky? HAHAHA YEAH it was so embarassing 'cuase I didn't know I had it
10 A R E Y O U S
Are you missing someone right now?: very much
Are you happy?: not happy, but content. Espeically compared to last night/this morning
Are you talking to anyone right now?: no, I'm eating
Are you bored?: eh
Are you German?: a lil
Are you Irish?: around half
Are you Italian?: around half
Are you Spanish?: no I'm not spicy
Are you tired?: no actually
Are you in love?: unfortunately, but I'm working on it
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[19 May 2006|04:15pm] |
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Hail?? In MAY?????
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| I'm couting UFO's, I signal them with my lighter..... |
[18 May 2006|03:14pm] |
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music |
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"Wish you were Here" Incubus |
] |
I PASSED MY ROAD TEST ♥ ♥!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANDDDDDD it finally stopped raining and being miserable out!
This has been the best 2 week break up anniversary EVER!!!!!!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
....and in this moment I am happy, happy
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[17 May 2006|07:36pm] |
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WE OUTTA BUY YOU A CADILLAC!
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| Thick as Theives. (don't you love that expression?) |
[17 May 2006|05:32pm] |
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music |
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"Julia" The Beatles + Daniel Johnston + "2 Headed Boy" NMH |
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Hey lady, what can you expect when I'm lyin' on the floor?
Okay okay okay, a real, thought out entry about my life. Not a questionable survey, or a random thought, or a quote from a song or movie.
No No No No......
(I'll hurry when I'm home...)?
So, yes. Today is two weeks since the fight of all hell. I probably shouldn't post any of this on an unprotected entry for all the wordlz to see, but whatever. Most of the people who read this don't have livejournal accounts and making it friends only would be foolish. Might as well just go write in my red spiral-notebook journal that's upstairs under my bed. (It's almost full! I'll probably finish it like around the exact same time I started it last year, which is somewhat unimpressive but I dont' write much when I have a boyfriend so sue me. I think my first entry was June 14th. Shit I can't believe it's been a year...). I'm having serious time-realization-and-comprehension issues lately. Like today, when I had to get my senior pictures taken and then they put me in the cap and gown, I kind of freaked out. I'm sure it shows in my pictures too. I just felt like "Hey, what are you doing?". Like it was dress up or something silly, not my actual graduation photograph. I can't be graduating high school in a year, that's so bizarre. As he kept yelling at me to move my nose to the left (I KNOW that's not my better angle because of myspace photos, and that the left side of my face is much more flattering 'cuase my nose isn't crooked from that angle, thank-you-very-much), I felt so freakin' old, having my roadtest tomorrow, driving on my own, graduating high school, picking out colleges (well, sort of), and that my parents must be even more freaked out than I am. It was somewhat of an out of body experience.
Well, yes two weeks since the fight and the break up. I'd like to say I'm fine, but the truth is just that I'm not. At all. But I'm learning I guess and trying to distract myself from my thoughts and memories(aka Peri's been dragging me out of my house for nightwalks and rocketship park dates, Vi and Danielle talk to me on the phone for hours and Brittany and Vi let me crash their Monday sushi dates at Starbucks. I love you guys ♥). They usually creep through tho, but it's easier to think of the fun memories over the sad and painful ones. They don't make me feel sad or anything really, just glad to have been alive and with him in whatever given moment it happened to be. My mind is working in reverse, and I feel kind of like I'm getting my memory erased like in "Eternal Sunshine". 'Cause memories from our beginning are working their way up and they're so cute and lovely and full of opportunity, so glad we had found eachother. I'm still glad we found eachother, I'm just sad it's really over. I mean, 2 years, off and on, were spent thinking about eachother and loving eachother, and I don't know about him but I certainly still do love him. I'll ALWAYS love him, because I don't think you can stop something as huge and powerful as that. My first true adoration, my first romance, my first lover. It's just so challenging to adjust to the fact that it's over. I know it, I know it down to my toes and in my chest and feel it in my stomach undoubtedly, it's just learning to deal with such things. To get used to it. I guess the best word to really describe it is nothing short of bizarre. It's bizarre to not be able to notice him, to touch him, to laugh with him and walk next to him. To talk to him online and on the phone. To not have plans with him on the weekends anymore. The severing of ties is just so extreme; we go from being thick as theives to total strangers. It puts your body and mind in a state of shock.
I'm not mad about anything anymore, I'm not upset and I'm not confused. Just....disappointed I guess. That it didn't work out as I'd hoped. Suppose that's totally normal. And sad that we can't be happy together anymore. Very sad. But I'm functioning and I'm proud of myself for how much better I'm handling this time around as opposed to the last. I've been working on finding peace with myself, because it's not just my fault, it's equally his as is mine. I worry about him somtimes, and hope he's well (sounds silly but 2 weeks is a lot more time than it sounds). I'm sure he is. I do miss him, and wonder if he misses me at all too sometimes. I'm sure we'll be cool with one another oneday, just getting there will be difficult. I never knew I could be so lame lol. Even I had myself fooled of how strong I was. It's so bad and reminds me of every lame teen romance novel and painful "dramatic" pop song ever written. Love is just so tacky, both in grand states of ecstacy and the lowest points of misery. There's nothing about it that hasn't been written about or described or exclaimed a hundred million thousdand times over. And when you finally feel all that, starting relating to those bad songs, you know why hahahahaha.
and I saw you there at the funeral, you were standin' there like a temple,
and I said
"Hi, how are you, hello"
and I pulled up the casket and crawled in. Yes I did
So I ran around singing "Two Headed Boy Parts (1 and 2)" pretty much all day, and was glad that Vi was there to join me in every constantly repeated verse (at least that song has a lot of lyrics hahaha). It's such the best. That album I swear is poetry and short stories put to wonderfully raw music. Even if you can't take his voice, there shouldn't be a person on earth who can hate the lyrics. It's glorious, my number one album of the year. I think they broke up tho, 'cause they haven't toured since 1998, which is a sad and unfortunate thing in our lifetime.
A moment of silence for NMH
Also had several other intersting jam sessions apres l'ecole during Cinnabar. Sang "Requiem for O.M.M. 2" with Kyle Shybunko (I love a boy who loves Of Montreal ((MP???? ♥!)) ) and then while finger painting a REALLY ghetto fabulous banner for the final coffeehouse of the year with Vi and Jessica and Ivy and Emily and Brittany and Paige, had many jams of bad songs from our past. Pat walked over singing "Mariaaaaa MAriAAAAAAAAAA, you remind me of a west side storyyyyyy" which launched a widescale chorus of the song, and then we sang "Smooth" by Rob Thomas, which Jana joined in as she walked out from the office hahahahahaa. It was lovely and light-hearted. Fingerpainting is great. I wonder whose paint that was? I'm guessing Brittany's. She's craft master 3000.
(I love when I go from talking about lovers to finger paint?)
I have a lot of excitement for this final coffeehouse, and I hope it lives up to my expectations. I bet it will tho, 'cause last year the final coffeehouse was my first one ever, and it was a glorious glorious time. And this time Peri's coming and can meet all the people I love/hate and talk about all the time! I'm so excited, I love her. I wish she'd met Phil tho. Alas! She can meet my oodles of other loves.
I have to say, this year has been the most painful but also the BEST year EVER. Confusing? Mayhaps. But so much good music and friends and outings and conversations and love love love! Never once so much love. I sort years of my life in my head, starting with 6th grade, by several little things. Like, identify the school year that passed with random memories and big happenings, silly things just to myself. Like such:
6th- The year of arizona iced tea, anime, fritos, first boy "friend", "you don't call somebody a FUCKING WHORE"
7th- The year of a pink wig, chunky black whore boots, musical awakening, Mr. Bates, bad eyeshadow experiences...
8th- The year of pink hair, emotional exhaustion, realization, weird stories me and Chris made up in Biology
9th- The year of making out, "heavy lifting", Tainted Love, HSNRSIB, groping teachers, Ziggy, friendships falling apart, coping
10th- The year of self enlightenment, the beginning Phil, feeling sexy, summah babiiz?, idolization, "Come on Eileen", 11:11, Velvet Goldmine
and I guess 11th will be the following:
The year of allowing myself to love, the end of Phil, passion, pepsi, devestation, trust, self evaluation and reconstruction, Neutral Milk Hotel, driving, artistic enlightenment, comfort. Growing up.
It's kind of stupid, but it's what I do every year *shrugs*. Why does "Requiem for O.M.M. 2" like explain my life? It's so strange.
So, I suppose there is a real entry. Hopefully now it won't like explode or something and go away. I dont' even want to read it over, 'cause I dont' want to see what a loser I sound like. Oh well.
Je vous aimez, mes petites chous!
she will feed you tomatoes and radio wires, and retire to sheets safe and clean....
but don't hate her when she gets up to leave.
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| Know all your enemies, we know who our enemies are... |
[15 May 2006|10:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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drained |
] |
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music |
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"Oh Comely" NMH & "Hypnotise" White Stripes |
] |
"I mean try for once SOMETHING in your life, DO something about it. But you know what? You better do it now and you better do it fast because the world doesn't owe you any favors. And whether you know it or not you’re on the inside track to Loserville USA... just like him. "
This quote/scene played a lot in my mind today. It really applies so perfectly, I wish I could just yell it at him like she does in the movie.
You ever bitten into something and for a split second it tasted like something it wasn't supposed to? iono it happens to me somteims. Like I just bit into a brownie and tasted a clove for a second. It's a strange sensation. I wonder why it happens.
UGH this was supposed to be a real entry! Tomorrow, I promise!
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[14 May 2006|11:13pm] |
"I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight. "
I love this quote, and it comese from the totally unprofound movie "That thing you do" lol.
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[13 May 2006|08:11pm] |
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WE'LL SEE IT WE'LL SEE IT WE'LL SEE IT!!!
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